Have you ever stopped yourself from starting a task because you were not “ready” for it? You want to submit something genuine, compassionate, logical, and also impactful–something “perfect.” Yet, you must also admit that “perfect” will never happen, regardless of how much time you spend. When standards and admiration for a flawless state constantly rise, an endless gap between our skills and ideals is left for us to address.
As a perfectionist myself, I was initially discouraged by this fact. Now, I realize that accepting the limits of pursuing an error-free state was essential to understanding my unrealistic standards. Building on that realization, we can examine the unintended consequences of perfectionism and consider how we might manage living with high expectations.
What Is Perfection, Anyway?
“Perfection,” according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is the “state or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.” However, what is considered “perfect” becomes highly subjective, and even perfectionists may not always agree on its true meaning.
If our standards differ, how can we truly know when we have achieved perfection? Can we ever be satisfied with just meeting our own standards? Can we be comfortable with knowing that others might perceive our “perfection” as “flawed”? When can we ever achieve unanimous perfection?
These questions may seem overwhelming and disheartening at first. Yet, reflecting on these questions is crucial to accepting that true perfection is, in fact, impossible.
It does not exist.
We perfectionists cannot reach perfection because it is an illusory, subjective, and abstract ideal. Instead, we are chased by our own fear of making mistakes, pushing us into an endless loop of self-perpetuating consequences.
The Incremental Effects
Yet, many of us perfectionists view our obsession as a strength. Of course, this quality can provide beneficial results, but in the long run, things take a different turn. The more we nurture our unrealistic ambitions, the more damage they cause. However, we often fail to realize that our lofty goal is the culprit, because not all harm happens immediately. Instead, it accumulates gradually until it becomes an unbearable burden that hinders, rather than helps.
The hindrance begins with us setting unrealistic standards for ourselves. According to social researcher Brené Brown, perfectionism is “the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.” Thus, our aspiration to pursue perfection comes from a desire to erase our self-doubt. However, the standards we set always seem to be just out of reach, leaving room for something better. As a result, we obsessively work to meet these expectations, even though we fear and know intuitively that we cannot fulfill them.
The fear leads us to adopt an all-or-nothing binary mindset. This way of thinking is an extreme perception of success, as it involves an unusual approach to determining a pass-or-fail situation; we assume that only pure flawlessness is acceptable, and mistakes or anything falling short of our high pursuits are abject failure. With so much pressure on results, we often delay starting tasks until we believe we can do it “perfectly.” Organizing our environment, planning endlessly, and researching excessively are ways in which we perfectionists conceal our fear behind a façade of productivity.
When our efforts “fall short” by making mistakes or failing to meet our goals, we not only feel disappointed, but with an all-or-nothing mindset, we also begin to question our self-worth. This mindset contrasts with that of healthy high achievers, who see their mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow. In contrast, we perfectionists often struggle to appreciate the journey and focus rather on the results, which are either our met or unmet goals.
With our self-worth low due to unachieved objectives, we become defensive about our work and ourselves. Even constructive feedback sounds like a penalty, and denying our faults is a way of emotionally protecting ourselves from the pain of self-awareness.
This entire sequence ultimately damages our self-worth, tying our own value to fleeting outcomes.
How to Live with Perfectionism
Escaping completely from our lofty pursuits can be difficult. Regardless, there are always ways to live with them. In other words, we can learn to reap the benefits of striving for a faultless outcome while also minimizing its ramifications. The balance depends on changing our mindset in simple steps.
To begin with, redefining success is needed. Success is not about completing a task with no mistakes. It is about the process, whether you have finished a task with perseverance and full effort. According to behavioral scientist Jason Hreha, appreciating the process of completing a task provides us with a constant feeling of motivation and satisfaction, regardless of the outcome.
After understanding the value of completion, we should set limits on self-correction. Spending excessive time refining our work can cause an obsession with minor details. Therefore, setting boundaries is a good way to prevent this tendency and preserve our time for other tasks.
Finally, as Hreha notes, it is important to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion. This step can help us forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make, which ultimately shape us into who we are. Once we stop being critical of our defects and begin to normalize them, self-worth can be rebuilt in a more durable and resilient way.
So, to every perfectionist who is struggling to satisfy their high expectations: be sure to give yourself grace and, essentially, forgiveness. As I finish this article about perfectionism, I hope I can eventually forgive myself for not writing it perfectly.
